Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mother's Day,,,,a reflection

I haven't posted here for a while, obviously. Most of my posts here have been reflective of my childhood,,,,and, I guess, what has made "me" who I am. And hopefully make you remember/laugh and reflect! I guess tonight's post is a bit more "journaling" and delete or come back for a "happier" posts if you are so inclined..........

Tomorrow is Mother's Day,,,,,and to me, as of late is a time of reflection about who I AM as a Mother, a daughter, and ,,,,,who I "was" as a Grandmother. ....

I learned of family "secrets" early on- as a teen who found out I was adopted and the man I THOUGHT was my bio dad wasn't. I shared that story and how that affected and influenced me. The GOOD and the unreal...not so much the bad. . . as I had a happy childhood!

So, fast foward. And, I'm going to be perfectly candid here, because well, that's all I can be, and there is a handfull or so of you that even follow this blog......This is my reflection on my current journey, my insights and I appreciate it if you read it,,,follow, but if you aren't interested that's okay too!

As stated, tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have two sons. My youngest, a former Marine served two tours in Iraq. We are close...very close. Always have been, although he's a bit "flighty" and very impatient since his tours through the war and I often think he needs some post war counseling,,,He works part time and is back in College full time. He lives with a "roomie" in the little cottage behind me. He's my best friend,,,,,but the war/service has left effects on him that I hope will level out, in time. But Andrew is loving and creative. I think eventually it will all fall into place for him.

I have an older son, one I don't talk about too often. Which makes me sad/embarrased, but I've come to terms with. My eldest, Sean, is a Heroine addict. There. I said it. He's living in the Bay area in CA now and MAY be off the "hard stuff" living in a "CLEAN and SOBER" house....This is a long long long story,,,,,,that of Sean. And frankly I can't muster the emotional energy to tell it all right now..... This whole "battle" has been going on for years.

Suffice it to say,as of late,,he was involved for YEARS with a smart, loving, woman -Jessica, who eventually became pregnant after their off and on relationships of 3-4 years. And,this was just prior to Andrew, son above, shipping off for his first tour in Iraq. I loved Jessica from the onset of meeting her,the pending "Grandchild" was my rock and strength for the future........ I could endure Andy's Iraq tour learning that I had a grandbaby on the way!

I visited them the week the Emma- "my grandbaby" was born, in Northern California. I laughed/cried, held, gained strength from this beautiful baby. Again, I knew life was sacred, special and enduring through this child.

For 3 years, Emma was my strength and hope of the future. They visited/I visited......She was my "Ems" and I could not love her more. And, I was so Happy that my son, albeit job "challenged," appeared, finally grounded. He WAS a great dad to Emma,,,,,albeit untraditional. he'd clean her/feed her/ play with her-She was HIS joy,,,,and mine too!

And then,some time later,, mere days before my mother died, I found out Emma was NOT Sean's. I got the test results-they were sent here, to me. I had to call my son with the news. And at least HE had an inkling......he KNEW Emma could possibly not be his. But I was clueless prior to this... And, I spoke to my mom, just a couple of days before she died and we agreed,,,,,,"It doesn't matter,,,,,we still love her." She's "Still" "ours".

But she wasn't........My mom passed that week. And I told my son, and Emma's mom it didn't matter.....but she too, was "taken" from me. My promise/my future. I "Lost" my mom and my "Em" in the same week. My beginning/my foundation AND my newfound hope/love for the future.

So, tonight, I really really really miss my mom! I "talk to her" and ask her for her insight/support. And,,,,I really really really miss MY Ems.......I loved her so and she's basically not a part of my life anymore.

My oldest Sean? He's 29 now. I hope to God that he figures it all out one day.........He's SUPPOSED to be clean and sober.....but he kind of chuckled recently, when I asked him about the "clean and sober house" he was living in. It just breaks my heart as a mom. He HAS a good heart, he HAS opportunity to STILL come back home or go to some culinary school and learn a living he's expressed a desire for!

We can hope/pray that our kids figure it out.....whatever it is. I just want him to have a healthy and happy life.

And, I wish that for Andrew too, although doing better, he's still got visions of war/bombs chaos and anarchy to deal with,,,,,,,

Lord knows, I tried the BEST with both these boys. I love them so. I miss my "Grandaughter" and wish her and her mother the Best.

This is NOT a very uplifting post.......sorry. Just a time of reflection, I guess. You can ignore/delete this post or blog, I'll understand!

I truly WILL get back to nostalgic posts of my childhood,, I guess just a lot on the mind as of late!

Hugs to all....those that ARE mothers/Grandmothers, those that loved mothers/Grandmothers! I guess in some respect, that includes ALL~~~


1 comment:

  1. Our trials sometimes rob us of loved people, joy, and even courage at times. I believe that all of us - even 'bad' mothers - do the best they can with what they have in their soul at the time. I believe that when we think we've been good mothers and have wanted to help our children become their best - and then they aren't - it hurts a little part of our soul forever - the 'what if' section of us. And sometimes it isn't until our children become parents and their children give them trials, that they realize what they put us through. On this Mother's Day I wish you happiness and joy and that all the best memories of your children and grandchild will push the worst memories out. I have no doubt that you loved all of them. Hugs from one mom to another.