Saturday, May 8, 2010

Mother's Day,,,,a reflection

I haven't posted here for a while, obviously. Most of my posts here have been reflective of my childhood,,,,and, I guess, what has made "me" who I am. And hopefully make you remember/laugh and reflect! I guess tonight's post is a bit more "journaling" and delete or come back for a "happier" posts if you are so inclined..........

Tomorrow is Mother's Day,,,,,and to me, as of late is a time of reflection about who I AM as a Mother, a daughter, and ,,,,,who I "was" as a Grandmother. ....

I learned of family "secrets" early on- as a teen who found out I was adopted and the man I THOUGHT was my bio dad wasn't. I shared that story and how that affected and influenced me. The GOOD and the unreal...not so much the bad. . . as I had a happy childhood!

So, fast foward. And, I'm going to be perfectly candid here, because well, that's all I can be, and there is a handfull or so of you that even follow this blog......This is my reflection on my current journey, my insights and I appreciate it if you read it,,,follow, but if you aren't interested that's okay too!

As stated, tomorrow is Mother's Day. I have two sons. My youngest, a former Marine served two tours in Iraq. We are close...very close. Always have been, although he's a bit "flighty" and very impatient since his tours through the war and I often think he needs some post war counseling,,,He works part time and is back in College full time. He lives with a "roomie" in the little cottage behind me. He's my best friend,,,,,but the war/service has left effects on him that I hope will level out, in time. But Andrew is loving and creative. I think eventually it will all fall into place for him.

I have an older son, one I don't talk about too often. Which makes me sad/embarrased, but I've come to terms with. My eldest, Sean, is a Heroine addict. There. I said it. He's living in the Bay area in CA now and MAY be off the "hard stuff" living in a "CLEAN and SOBER" house....This is a long long long story,,,,,,that of Sean. And frankly I can't muster the emotional energy to tell it all right now..... This whole "battle" has been going on for years.

Suffice it to say,as of late,,he was involved for YEARS with a smart, loving, woman -Jessica, who eventually became pregnant after their off and on relationships of 3-4 years. And,this was just prior to Andrew, son above, shipping off for his first tour in Iraq. I loved Jessica from the onset of meeting her,the pending "Grandchild" was my rock and strength for the future........ I could endure Andy's Iraq tour learning that I had a grandbaby on the way!

I visited them the week the Emma- "my grandbaby" was born, in Northern California. I laughed/cried, held, gained strength from this beautiful baby. Again, I knew life was sacred, special and enduring through this child.

For 3 years, Emma was my strength and hope of the future. They visited/I visited......She was my "Ems" and I could not love her more. And, I was so Happy that my son, albeit job "challenged," appeared, finally grounded. He WAS a great dad to Emma,,,,,albeit untraditional. he'd clean her/feed her/ play with her-She was HIS joy,,,,and mine too!

And then,some time later,, mere days before my mother died, I found out Emma was NOT Sean's. I got the test results-they were sent here, to me. I had to call my son with the news. And at least HE had an inkling......he KNEW Emma could possibly not be his. But I was clueless prior to this... And, I spoke to my mom, just a couple of days before she died and we agreed,,,,,,"It doesn't matter,,,,,we still love her." She's "Still" "ours".

But she wasn't........My mom passed that week. And I told my son, and Emma's mom it didn't matter.....but she too, was "taken" from me. My promise/my future. I "Lost" my mom and my "Em" in the same week. My beginning/my foundation AND my newfound hope/love for the future.

So, tonight, I really really really miss my mom! I "talk to her" and ask her for her insight/support. And,,,,I really really really miss MY Ems.......I loved her so and she's basically not a part of my life anymore.

My oldest Sean? He's 29 now. I hope to God that he figures it all out one day.........He's SUPPOSED to be clean and sober.....but he kind of chuckled recently, when I asked him about the "clean and sober house" he was living in. It just breaks my heart as a mom. He HAS a good heart, he HAS opportunity to STILL come back home or go to some culinary school and learn a living he's expressed a desire for!

We can hope/pray that our kids figure it out.....whatever it is. I just want him to have a healthy and happy life.

And, I wish that for Andrew too, although doing better, he's still got visions of war/bombs chaos and anarchy to deal with,,,,,,,

Lord knows, I tried the BEST with both these boys. I love them so. I miss my "Grandaughter" and wish her and her mother the Best.

This is NOT a very uplifting post.......sorry. Just a time of reflection, I guess. You can ignore/delete this post or blog, I'll understand!

I truly WILL get back to nostalgic posts of my childhood,, I guess just a lot on the mind as of late!

Hugs to all....those that ARE mothers/Grandmothers, those that loved mothers/Grandmothers! I guess in some respect, that includes ALL~~~